my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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