I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
