you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
