please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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