Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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