you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
