im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
So squirting runs in the family.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
