the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Let's get the cat blown out
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
