Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
