So drunk its hurt
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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