In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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