the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
