TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
