In the future we'll all be gay
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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