That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Randomize
