I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Do you have feelings for this penis?
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
