The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Randomize
