I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
