if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
These tits shall not be calmed
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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