Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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