if you like me you must not know who I am
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
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