Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
