dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Randomize
