Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
