The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
