im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
