I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
