There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
