this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
