When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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