last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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