overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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