I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Randomize
