if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
