textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
