...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Randomize
