Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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