The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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