I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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