Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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