Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
