The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
