after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
