Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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