I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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