My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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