I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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