I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
he had hair everywhere except his balls
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
