I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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