Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
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