woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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